Introduction - Using this Guide
You won't wish to declare publicly that you are an idiot so never read this guide while using banking facilities. If you must refer to instructions contained herein, read out the relevant section into your mobile phone answering service beforehand and retrieve your messages when in the banking hall.
For help in using your mobile phone answering service purchase a copy of "An Idiot's guide to using a mobile phone answering service" by Dr Blower Lower and Norbert-D
Chapter 1 - Getting through the door
You have two choices when trying to get into the bank. You can wait for someone else to open the door, or you can open it yourself.
Tip - Wait for the bank to open
If the door is already open, progress to Chapter 2
Chapter 2 - Walk into the bank and look confident
Smile, look around you.
Tip - Don't clench your teeth, try not to stare wildly.
Walk forward through the door. Do not attempt to walk backwards, as people might think you are leaving.
Chapter 3 - Oops
You are in the wrong bank.
Tip - Pretend that you intended to be here
Collect one of each leaflet and then leave.
Chapter 4: Clothing
Tip - Whatever you do don't point with your hands in your pockets.
Chapter 5 - Queue etiquette
Oh, I forgot, you probably don'y know what etiquette means.
Tip - Ignore this chapter and move to the next one
Chapter 6 - What to do while you are in the queue (Part 1)
You cannot choose a cashier based on whether they seem attractive.
Tip - They are all out of your league, even the ugly one on the end.
Pick a number at random and wait for it to be called.
Chapter 7 - What to do while you are in the queue (Part 2)
Ignore other customers, especially when they point to a waiting cashier.
Tip - Remember, you chose a number and you must stick to it.
Chapter 8 - What to do while you are in the queue (Part 3)
Don't let anybody standing behind you push in front.
Tip - It's your turn next. Nothing else matters.
Keep waiting, not much longer now.
Chapter 9 - What to do while you are in the queue (Part 4)
If your number is called and you are not at the front of the queue you can go first.
Tip - Pensioners are easy, just push them aside.
Remember to shout your number out and then say "Thank you, my voices"
Chapter 10 - At the cashiers window
Mmm, quite attractive.
Tip - Maybe not out of your league after all.
Skip the money talk and offer dinner.
Chapter 11 - Using the right words
Ask the cashier if you can be his/her finance.
Tip - Finance is an old fashioned word for betrothal (being engaged).
If the cashier looks puzzled it's probably because he/she is not used to being complimented in this way.
Chapter 12 - Understanding the response
If you are asked "Do you have an account here?" it means "Yes, I'd love to"
Tip - This is similar to "Is the pope a catholic?"
Just smile back, no answer is necessary.
Chapter 13 - Take the free pen from the counter
That's what they are there for.
That's what they are there for.
No comments:
Post a Comment