Blog Profiles #1

TGC

You know, not a day goes by without a random stranger (for arguments sake lets call him Hubert Flannellalel) approaching me in the street, park, beach, woods, hedgerow or alleyway and begging me to reveal the gossip, hidden secrets and facts about my fellow wiggy wigster bloggers. I often say that we as individuals are publicity shy, but this gave me the idea to cash in and blog their profiles.

Top of your most wanted list, apart from myself of course, is our very own Grey Cardigan, or as they call him in America the Gray Cardigan.

So here, live and exclusive, without further delay, hesitation, faltering, dilly-dallying, shilly-shallying, twaddle-tapping, hold-ups or scripted dawdling is the Grey Cardi’s profile, revealed to you for the first time ever.

Grey had a lonely childhood, born as the only child of the Black Pullover and the White Twin Set, he soon set off on his path of adventure.

By the age of three he was the youngest British holder of a licence to sell alcoholic beverage and made a fortune offering cheap booze to festival and concert revellers. The following summer, his luck turned, as profits dipped as the novelty of buying booze from a minor faded. Grey squandered his fortune on Sherbet Dabs and Flying Saucers and eventually lost his drinks licence at the age of five whilst attempting to sell apple juicy as whisky.

Ten days after losing his license to serve, Grey was rushed to hospital with a suspected Sherbet Dab overdose. It was as he lay on that hospital bed, with the stomach pumping machine whooshing in the background that he made his peace with the world and promised to turn his life around.

The following Monday he announced he was the love child of Bobby Moore and spent the summer appearing on all the gossip and chat show. He became a household face in Norfolk after appearing in a tourism advert for the Norfolk broads. To this day he’s still recognised and often gets free drinks and meals on day trips to Wroxham for simply say “Nooo folk like Norfolk”.

At the age of 21, he fled England’s white cliffs to spend the next three years living in Egypt, where he pretended to be a top archaeology graduate from Oxford called Nigel Lemons. Several years of wearing thin cotton shirts and a casual jumper over the shoulders followed. Just when a blossoming career was imminent, Grey (or Lemons) was caught up in an ancient artefacts theft shambles. Months later Grey was back in England and with the “Lemons Shamans” chant still ringing in his ears, he found himself once again back on the Sherbet Dabs.

It was at this point he was recruited in to the fellowship of the wig. “It turned my life around, made me a new man” He enthused in a recent interview in The Blog about Bloggers.

Faced with this new energy for life he married a centre fold playboy model called Sandy Willowstrap, invented the extra large cotton bud for the Mr and Mrs Big market, became the first person to bunny hop from Basingstoke to Salisbury, wrote the first backwards written novel and contributed hundreds of blog articles up until nearly 4 years ago, when he suddenly and mysteriously disappeared.

Throughout all of his life Grey has struggled with his adverse fear of all pointy objects (parsnips, carrots, umbrellas, pens, pencils and knitting needles, to mention a few). His fear is so extreme that even hearing the word “pointy” results in an instant panic attack, which is only cured by running in bare feet until his palpitations stop.

His worst attack came during a lunchtime visit to Sainsbury’s when an old lady approached him to question the firmness of a parsnip and asked whether it would still be of use in a soup. He instantly took flight, sprinting out of the shop with the old lady following him waving the parsnip all the way, persistently shouting out “Will this parsnip be any good for my soup?” The energetic chase lasted 3 years 294 days 21 hours 36 minutes and 5 seconds and only ended when the old lady accidentally tripped over a paving slab in Inverness, losing her grip on the troublesome parsnip. It was at this point (he-he!!!) that the persistent Sainsbury’s security guard, who had been following the old lady as she followed Grey, arrested her for shop lifting the parsnips. That old lady is now serving time for her crime.

However, it was not all bad news as Grey was recognised by Guinness as the World Record holder for the longest time running whilst being chased by a lady waving a parsnip. Many have tried to break his record, but the same number have failed.

Grey, now recovered from his parsnip pain, has relocated to the Isle of Thanet, which isn’t actually an island but part of the mainland, to write a book entitled “The Parsnip Diaries”. He also spends his evenings attempting to recreate his grandmother’s Cucumber Chutney recipe. Of course, he insists his local green grocer removes the cucumber “points” before delivery.