TV Star

Our very own Dark Chickens has become a star.

In case you missed it last week,there were two shows desperate to do an interview.

Parkinson

Parkinson: "Hello and welcome to Parkinson. My guests tonight include international playboy, eligible bachelor and sport car collector - The Gray Cardigan. "

[clapping and wolf whistles]

Parkinson: "NorbertD the international film star will join us to talk about his exotic life and his new film 'Undercover on the nudist beach' "

[clapping]

Parkinson: "But our first guest tonight is none other than a sporting legend, not content with leading England to success in the lefthanded ping pong world championship he then went on to spearhead the efforts in saving one of the most endangers species, the dirty white rhino. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Lambpie".

[applause as Lambpie enters stage, wearing a beige suit and panama hat. Lambpie walks up to Parkinson, exchanges pleasantries and takes a seat.]

Parkinson: "I got a warm sense whilst reading your autobiography "Born to lefthanded ping pong", the part in which you describe the encouragement your father gave you to achieve your dreams was particularly touching. He must have been a remarkable man..."

Lambpie: Silence

Parkinson: "My next guest started life as a single cell, then briefly flirted with childhood and finally grew up to be an adult. He has ginger hair, a voice like caramel and an ass so lily white that Dulux have added it to their colour range. But he needs no introduction from me - ladies and gentlemen he's our own Neil Sedaka......it's international singing sensation Dark Chickens......... "

[Parky rises from his swivel chair with the aid of an unseen hand pushing his backside up. He flashes a pair of white dentures at the camera, grins cheesily and gestures stage right in expectation of Chickens walking on.
There is loud applause and a section of the audience containing Motherwell Womens Institute members whoop in anticipation of seeing their hero.
Meanwhile Chickens cheekily comes on stage from the right and pinches Parky's butt from behind. Parky flies up into the air and slips a disc.
Pandemonium breaks out as security guards rush on stage to try and pin down Chickens. Chickens is rugby tackled by one of the guards, ex con Gary McCustard but escapes his clutches and head towards a fire exit where he is cut off by more security guards.
In moments, police arrive and a gun shot is heard. Chickens drops to the floor having tried to scale some scaffold.
Parky then remarkably gets up, brushes himself off and puts his hand over his mouth to stifle hysterics whilst pointing at Chickens. Chickens also gets up, looks over at Parky, grins and winks at the audience.
The whole thing was a set up and was designed to boost Parky's flagging ratings as a result of the show clashing with Match of the Day. The two men embrace like long lost brothers and the audience whoop with enthusiasm. One member of the Motherwell WI is so overcome with emotion that she dies.
Lambpie, who is still sitting on stage in the middle chair, hammily grins like a toothless moron at camera 2 and shakes his head in disbelief. The truth was he was in on the gag all the time.
In years to come this piece of TV history will reach number 73 in 'a hundred classic TV fit ups' ].

Parkinson: [holding back the tears of laughter - he leans forward and opens his mouth to talk and then collapses in hysterics again. Lambpie shakes his head and rolls his eyeballs like a drug crazed psycho]

"Oh dear! Oh deary me!"

[he collapses again and slaps Chickens on the thigh. Chickens retaliates with shadow boxing. He swings round to hit Lambpie whose well rehearsed duck and accompanying look of horror are straight from the amateur dramatics society school of overacting]

Dark Chickens ladies and gentlemen! What a guy! Are you going to sing us a song?

Chickens: [shaking his head and looking coy] I'm not really in the mood tonight Michael....

Parkinson: [Invisible hand propels him out of his chair once more as he goes to milk the audience...]

"You want him to sing Ladies and Gentlemen?"

Audience : Yessssssssssssssssssssss

Chickens: [grinning like a smug fool] "I'm not sure"

Parkinson: "He's got to hasn't he folks!"

Audience: Yeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssss

Chickens: "Well, I guess just one song wouldn't hurt...."

Audience: Hoooorrraaaayyyyy

[The lights dim and Chickens leaves his chair and heads for solo microphone stage left. The sound of the pan pipes accompanied by slap bass are heard as The James Last Orchestra emerge from an underground orchestra pit. Dry ice is pumped on to the stage so that Chickens completely disappears]


Jonathan Ross

Jonathan Woss: "Good evening and welcome to this weeks show".

[Loads of whooping]

"Alwight alwight, calm down. What's wong with ya tonight? Deaw oh deaw" [shakes head and grimaces as if sucking a lemon]

[whoops, clapping, general hysteria, sounds of a foghorn from back of audience - Woss raises eyebrows and pulls the sucked lemon face again and moves swiftly on]

"My first guest caused pandemonium last week when he appeawed on the Parkinson show. West assured Ladies and Gents that we will be having no such cheap stunts on this show tonight......"

[laughs from the trendy looking mostly gay audience]

"Of course we are far too professional to attempt to pull off such a tacky display"

[The fog horn goes off again and a naked figure with ginger hair resembling Chickens is seen running in through the back of the audience. He runs up to Woss and kisses him - he also embraces the lead singer of house band 'Four Poofs and a Piano' before setting light to his hair. Security hit the scene carrying fire extinguishers. They train them on the man and cover him completely with foam.]

"Ladies and Gents, it's Dark Chickens!"

[Loud guffaws, whoops, clapping and Four Poofs and a Piano hum a terrible version of 'Proud'. The figure covered in foam is dragged away and simultaneously Chickens appears stage right, dressed in a purple crushed velvet suit ala Austin Powers. The audience are wetting themselves.]

Woss: "He's done it again the cheeky pwankster!"