A fellow wigster who shall be nameless (let's just assume he is Dark Chickens) has notified us of the following correspondence:
-----Original Message-----
From: Iama Nutter [mailto:thegreattealeaf@*********]
To: Chickens Dark
Subject: Teapot
If you ever want to see it again you do what I say. I want £5 in 1st class stamps and a large cauliflower to be left in trap 2 (from the left) of 1st floor admin gents.
When, and only when, you have complied with this request your teapot will be returned to where you left it.
No cops. No funny business.
Knowing that Iama Nutter must have access to his place of work and the toilet facilities therof, Dark was very concerned and brought the matter to our attention. He confirmed that his teapot was missing and the threat must be real. We advised him to respond in the following manner:
-----Original Message-----
From: Chickens Dark
To: Iama Nutter
Subject: RE:Teapot
Dear Iama Nutter,
Despite your attempts to con me out of my life savings, I regret to say that I will not be taking part in your potnapping exercise as I am not the legal owner of the teapot.
The teapot belongs to one of my best friends who recently lost his beloved mouse, Tommy.
After Tommy's cremation, he used the teapot to store his ashes. Well yesterday marked a special day, a day when Tommy would finally be set free. For moral support I accompanied my mate down to trap four where he said a few words.
It was a nice ceremony, nothing too fancy, just how Tommy would have liked it. My mate despite a momentary lapse, when he shouted out "Oh God, why me?", managed to keep himself together. After the dispersion of his ashes, we flushed the toilet and said our final goodbyes to Tommy.
Outside the trap, we were in such a mess and in the rush to get out of the gents, the teapot was left behind. I hope you can find it in you heart to return the teapot to its rightful owner, as it is his last physical memory of his beloved mouse, apart from his entrails, which he had stuffed and displayed in a small box, which now sits on his bedside cabinet.
Please reply.
Within hours Dark had received his reply:
-----Original Message-----
From: Iama Nutter
To: Chickens Dark
Subject: RE:Teapot
I thought I said no funny business - look I'm not playing about wise guy - see attached.
You've got until tomorrow 1pm to pay up with the cauliflower - and make sure you're not followed.
We advised Dark Chickens to buy a cauliflower and visit the gents at 1pm, but instead of following our advice he sent another email:
-----Original Message-----
From: Chickens Dark
To: Iama Nutter
Subject: RE:Teapot
Dear Iama Nutter,
I can tell by your approach that your just an amateur - its more than obvious that a pair of scissors won't cut through the spout of my trusty old teapot. In light of this, I'm prepared to only leave a parsnip or a carrot.
The exchange will take place at 2pm. I'll take trap 4 (next to the hand driers), you'll take trap 3.
I'll say "More tea victor".
You'll say "No thanks I'm a lady".The exchange of the goods will then occur.
Do we have a deal?
Within minutes Dark had received another reply:
-----Original Message-----
From: Iama Nutter
To: Chickens Dark
Subject: RE:Teapot
Who do you think you are calling amateur I am a serious criminal, last year I successfully ransomed a toby jug in exchange for 5lbs of brussel sprouts. You will treat me with a little more respect if you ever want to see your teapot again.
I set the rules, I am in charge. The deal will be as follows:
- you will be at the exchange location first and waiting in trap 4
- when I arrive I shall make a loud cough
- you will know it is me as I shall conceal the word a**se within the cough if you listen carefully
- you will then say your line and I shall say mine
- the exchange will then take place
- I will then leave and you will wait for a further five minutes before leaving
Do NOT try and follow me. No cops, no senior management.
Dark decided to call the rogues bluff and did not reply for several hours. He received another email.
-----Original Message-----
From: Iama Nutter
To: Chickens Dark
Subject: RE:Teapot
From: Iama Nutter
To: Chickens Dark
Subject: RE:Teapot
In case you need convincing I'm serious, just listen to your pathetic pet:
"Please please help me Daddy.
"Please please help me Daddy.
The nasty man says he'll cut my spout of and stick it up my bottom if you don't provide the stamps and the veg.
I can help you - I'm a magic teapot, and if you save me I'll grant you one wish.
It can only be a small wish I'm afraid as I'm only a small teapot, but it could be a good one (I can't do fame, fortune, women or eternal life, but I'm okay at helping you choose the right queue at Sainsbury's and stuff like that )
Don't let the nasty man hurt my bottom. Don't let me down Daddy."
Meet my demands or the pot gets it!
Dark was in contact with us immediately, and we repeated our advice to pay the ransom. He finally agreed, and went to trap 4.
It wasn't long before he heard a cough from the cubicle next to him. He said "More tea victor?"
"No thanks, I'm a lady" said a strangely muffled female voice from a recording played through the loudspeaker of a mobile phone.
"I'm passing the cauliflower now." said Dark and passed a carrot through the gap at floor level.
In return, a small teapot was passed back and he heard the kidnapper leave. Tempted to peek, but afraid of the consequences, Dark remained in the dark (the lights had mysteriously been turned off) for five minutes.
The deal was complete. No cops or senior managment had been involved. (It's usually the best way).
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