Desk Chess

The Rules of this popular office game

You will need:
- Three very large chess pieces, suitable as garden ormaments.
- Desks, numbered 69 to 78
- Players to sit at the desks

Rule 1 - The Board

1.1) The board (hereafter referred to as "the board") consists only of desk numbers 69 through 78 inclusive with the exception of desks 69, 73 and 78

1.2) A desk (hereafter referred to as "a desk") is only in play when the desk owner (hereafter referred to as "the desk owner") is in play (see next Rule)

Rule 2 - In Play

2.1) On any given day a desk owner is only in play from the first time he is "in situ" at his desk that day up until he gets up for the last time and signals his intent to leave the office for the day - professional players will accompany this with the phrase "good night all fellow desk chess enthusiasts".

2.2) A desk owner is said to be "in situ" when he is either i) in physical contact with his desk or ii) within 1 metre of his desk with no desk divider between himself and his desk

Rule 3 - Legal Moves

3.1) A chess piece (hereafter referred to as "a piece") may only be moved to a desk where the desk owner is not in situ (with the exception of Rule 4.2 see below) and the desk is not already occupied by another piece.

3.2) The pawn pieces may only be moved to an adjacent desk in a direction perpendicular to a desk divider's longest dimension.

3.3) The king piece (identifiable by the fact that it looks like a king
piece) may be moved to any adjacent desk.

3.4) The queen piece (identifiable by the fact that it is not the king piece and not a pawn) may be moved in any direction and any number of desks in a straight line provided there is a clear path of unoccupied desks.

Rule 4 - Underhand Moves

4.1) The Misdirection Move - this involves a player manipulating another player into leaving their desk via a fake phone call, fake message or some other such means so as to enable them to make "a move"

4.2) The Stealth Move - this is incredibly difficult to achieve and involves making a move when the desk owner is still in situ. The move is only deemed successful (and hence legal) if it is completed without the desk owner realising the move has taken place. Please note a stealth move is illegal if any silencer devices are attached to the piece. A desk owner can signal he has detected the stealth move in progress by accusing the protagonist using the phrase "How dare you, you desk chess fiend". The chance a stealth mover takes is that if he is detected the move is deemed illegal which means he retains the piece and also picks up penalty points (see Rule 7)

4.3) The Collaborative Move - this is similar to the misdirection move but involves a player using one or more other players (or non-players) in the deception which either distracts the player (to enable a stealth move) or causes the player to cease being in situ (to enable a standard move).

4.4) Please note underhand moves are not to be frowned upon, far from it they are to be actively encouraged to promote a culture of backstabbing and mistrust amongst colleagues.

Rule 5 - Illegalities

5.1) A move is considered illegal if any of the following are true

a) the desk owner is in situ (except for a stealth move) or not in play at the time

b) the destination desk is already occupied by a piece

c) the piece has been moved in a direction/distance in contravention of Rule 3

d) a piece is removed from a desk by somebody other than the desk owner

5.2) Following an illegal move the piece should be retained by the player at fault and furthermore that player incurs penalty points (see Rule 6)

Rule 5b - Slow Play

5b.1) The day is divided into 2 sessions for each player, the morning session and the afternoon session.
The "morning session" is defined as the time from when the player is first in situ up until the point when they go for lunch, the "afternoon session" is defined as the time from when a player returns from lunch up until they are no longer in play that day.
If a players desk is occupied at the start of a session then they must make at least one move within that session otherwise they are guilty of "slow play". Slow play is considered most unsporting and hence there are penalties (see Rule 7).

Rule 6 - Winners

6.1) On any given day any desk owner who's desk is not occupied when they cease to be in play is deemed "a winner".

Rule 7 - Penalties

7.1) Each player will accumulate penalty points as follows:

i) not being a winner on a given day for which he was in play at some juncture

- if you are left with a pawn 1 point

- if you are left with the king 1.5 points

- if you are left with the queen 2 points

ii) performing an illegal move - 3 points

iii) getting caught mid stealth move - 4 points

iv) slow play in the morning - 1 point

v) slow play in the afternoon - 1 point

vi) slow play all day - 5 points

7.2) All players penalty point total is reset to 0 at 0:00 on Mondays.

Rule 8 - Weekly loser

8.1) At the end of each week the player with the most penalty points is deemed the weekly loser, and the following week he must either

i) restock the biscuit tin or

ii) buy a round of tea/coffees for all players who are thirsty or both.

8.2) In the event of a tie the loser will be decided using the following criteria in order:

- most penalties incurred

- most days left with the queen

- most days left with the king

- oldest player