Rum Runners

How many Sloppy Joes can you spot?

Yesterday I happened to be posted to America for an emergency rum run. On arrival this is what I saw:

I needed something stronger than rum after that!

Delicious Recipe for Home Made Chocolate

One that works every time

Here is a beautiful recipe for home made chocolate that I saw on my TV, it's a 32" wide fat one with surround sound and remote control. I use it mainly on Thursdays.

1) Take a lump of pre-made chocolate.
2) Melt it in the microwave.
3) Pour it in a mould.
4) Leave to set.

and hey presto, you have home made chocolate.

I must say, and yes I really must, that I'm glad I pay my license fee... I'd never have worked that out and would have been forced to fork out thousands of pounds on chocolatier courses

Seperated at birth - Celebrity special

From our spot the difference collection

There are times when certain things just pop in to my head and today it was the similarity between certain celebrities. Here are my latest celebrity twins. What do you think?

Freddie Boswell (British Sitcom - Bread) & Billy Connolly

Carol Thatcher (Maggie's daughter) & Jimmy Saville (Ex-DJ)

Eddie Izzard (British comic) & Oliver Reed (British actor)

Adam Hart-Davis (British TV Presenter) & Rolf Harris (Entertainer & Artist)

Wise words indeed

A sooth from our soothsayer

The hardness of the butter

You’ve probably heard it said

Is directly proportional

To the softness of the bread

EU Outrage

The European Union are at it again

Overheard conversation:
Wigster 1: Did you know that the EU are trying to enforce a new law which aims to prevent misleading names of British food products.  For example, shortbread will be renamed 3"biscuit or 45degree biscuit because it is neither short nor a bread, while Choc-ice will be renamed choc-ice-cream.  Unbelievable!

Wigster 2: I don't believe you... Oh, hang on, that means it must be true.

Wigster 1: Iced gems will have to change to iced biscuits.

Wigster 2: What will happen to Mint Imperials? Do they have to become metric?


We didn't hear the answer, sorry.

What I saw in the woodshed!

What a good looking fellow!



Is that a wig?

July’s odd sock protest

This is important, please support us

This month I shall be wearing odd socks on Mondays and Thursday in a call for legislation against the compulsory purchase of unwanted broccoli stalks.


The status chasing broccoli, once feared in 32 nations and worshipped like a god in only one, has suddenly become a firm favourite and is often nestled deep within the average British weekly shop. The humble cauliflower has fallen to one side, as has the cabbage.

Is this a coincidence or has this popularity contest between the brassica's more to do with bulky inedible organic waste? For instead of neatly trimming the broccoli stalk close to the godly crown, our supermarkets decide to leave this elongated handle and then charge us for the privilege. Why do us shoppers have to pay extra for this so called organic handle.

Come, join in me in the revolution and don your odd socks.

Quick survey by text message

Typical wigster text messages

Wigster 1: Quick survey... In swimming, is a length there, or there and back when standing in the shallow end?

Wigster 2 : Depends which direction you start.

W1: North

W2: Which way is the water flowing?

W1: Uphill

W2: You should always swim downhill, unless you are a salmon.  I assume you are not, I think I would have noticed.

W1: No, if I swim uphill first then it'll be faster when I swim downhill.

W2: Uphill would be going with the flow so it is the same in this case.

W1: But I'm swimming backward

W2: Are you looking at the sky?

W1: I'm on my belly but swimming backwards... using the reverse front crawl. I'm testing a new nose clip.

W2: I'm quite impressed at your ability to text at the same time

W1: Anything is possible if you put your mind to it.

W2: True.  So true.

Town Hall Event Bingo

You need four new business Jargon phrases in a row to win

I can confirm that I heard the phrase "pogo around the patch" at yesterdays town hall event.
I also thought I heard the phrase "beetle the dingo", but on reflection this makes no sense and I will not be claiming it.

DC

"Looking for the easter bunny"

"If he has previously worked here he is no good to us"

JD

It's still anyone's game

Another dream

No analysis required this time

"I had nightmares about tomatoes last night ;-)"

WigCNesbit

We think he'd better ketchup on some sleep

More Dreams

Norbert-D shares his dream

Last night I had a dream that Dark had a twin brother called Alfred Chickens. Dark and Alfred shared Dark's job, but nobody at work realised. Except me of course who suspected al along that Dark was in fact two people. Alfred was slightly taller and had a deeper voice. He was also moodier than Dark.

Things came to an end when Dark had a party and I spotted them both together fighting over vol-au-vents. Could there be any truth in this? Have you noticed Dark is a bit taller and huskier some days and in a bad mood sometimes?

Norbert-D

-------------------------------

Goat replied:

I haven't noticed a taller, moodier, deeper voiced version of Dark, but some days he appears shorter, happier and softer voiced!

Mmmmm, vol-au-vents!

-------------------------------
The analysis:

Norbert-D,

I've used my powers of analysis and have determine the true meaning of your night vision... the dream itself is quite simple and recognises a split in your own self. It appears that you have a "Character split" between two people, a "Dark" character and an "Alfred" character. How these two characters should be interpreted is mainly down to your subcous-cous, but I've offered an interpretation:

Dark: also known as dark chickens - daring, open and free - chicken also indicates a farmyard bird.

Alfred: The Great? Great means taking the right path, the way to behave. The moody side associated with this character may represent the fact that you see this side of yourself as the one that's slightly removed or boring. Unwilling to get involved. 

The fact that the "Character split" was discovered at a party is also interesting... as parties can represent a willingness / unwillingness to attend... and the fight would imply that this is more of the unwillingness to attend or take part - with the need to protect or hide something.

Also the fact that it was Dark's party and the appearance of a vol-au-vent would certainly lend itself to some sort of depravity. If you need proof of this then see Goat's reply, which clearly showed his pleasure at the mention of this word.

Summary - I would say that you would like to get involved in a vol-au-vent party but you're too frightened to venture into the farmyard.

Hope this is of some help.

DC.

But is it art? - Yes.

A general purpose Reek-o-meteR

On a scale of "Wild Meadows on a Sunny Day" to "Bog of Eternal Stench", the Reek-o-meteR clearly indicates the prevailing conditions for any ladies or gents facilities.

Simply adjust the arrow on exit.

Copyright (c) The Grey Cardigan
Original design for "Ol GAP Lavs" exhibition

Review comments: A stunning piece of art which manages to convey to the onlooker the variance between the extremes of nasal pleasure and pain.  It is not often that such a low-tech piece of work comes to our attention, but this just works.  Wonderfully well.  TGC does it again!

Useless facts - #1

Sci-Fi Fans already know this

Useless fact #1: In alien the goo that can be seen dripping from the alien's mouth in close-ups is in fact KY Jelly.

We would like to thank The Grey Cardigan for informing us.

On a related subject did you know that according to DC, Alien identities don't like litmus paper as it reacts badly to their breath.

The Horivert formula

A wigsters guide to vertical and horizontal names

How to calculate the verticalness and horizontalness of your name

1) Use the following chart and calculate the sum for the letters in your name.

Letter	Verticalness Scale	Horizontalness Scale
a	30	60
b	60	40
c	30	60
d	60	40
e	30	60
f	60	30
g	40	50
h	80	10
i	90	10
j	80	20
k	50	0
l	95	5
m	75	0
n	70	0
o	50	50
p	70	10
q	70	10
r	75	5
s	0	70
t	60	20
u	70	0
v	0	0
w	0	0
x	0	0
y	0	0
z	0	60

2) Divide the sum from 1 by the number of letters in your name.

The good news it that there is no international way of measuring the horizontalness/verticalness (horivert) of a shape. Googling it only told me how to keep a double bass upright. I suggest we come up with a formula, submit it to some mathematical body and then sit back and bask with our new titles of Professor. This formula needs to work for some random shape and could be as simple as the ratio between its height and width.

Professor D Chickens

The Grey Cardigan has produced a spreadsheet which will do the calculations for you.  Unfortunately it doesn't work.

Marriott Memoirs - Chapter 3

An easy mis-steak to make

Sirloin steak is not the cheapest meal on the menu, nor is it the most expensive.  Tonight I would live a little but not a lot.

My order, as you have guessed, was sirloin steak.  Medium with fries and a peppercorn sauce.  "It will be delivered in 45 minutes" they promised so I passed the time by downloading the special edition 'Jon-jay' wig from the website and browsed the wigster gallery, planning my next wig trip.

Time passed, 55 minutes had gone by but I was in no hurry to eat.  I could cut them a little slack.  Five minutes later I phoned the restaurant.  They had the order but had not processed it and they offered to upgrade the meal to fillet steak in recompense.

I accepted and was informed that the meal would arrive in 45 minutes.

And it did.  After 40 minutes exactly, a cod arrived at the door.  It was a fillet of fish.

Weird Dream Alert

DC and cheese are not a good combination

********WEIRD DREAM ALERT********

I had a strange dream this morning in which we were all planning on travelling to the annual Wiggy convention.

JDubya, Lambpie and myself arrived at the train station (of the London Charing-X type with multiple tracks) and realising that we had a long journey ahead we decided to get some food from the vending machines. There were two vending machines, one was a drinks vending machine (coke advert on front) and the other was a multiple choice vending machine that sold drinks and food. We were all shocked that the second vending machine only offered bags of crisps (green bag) and cans of coke, as everything else had been sold out.

Just then a mark 4 super human arrives and loiters by us, we suspect he knows about the international Wiggy convention and that he's trying to tag along. After ignoring him, he disappears completely.

JDubya steps forward and selects a bag of the green crisps. He then tries for a can of coke, but his money jams in the slot and he has to ask for assistance from one of the railway staff. Who couldn't get the vending machine to work.

At this point 1Z turns up (late), walks up to drinks machine and opens up the door. It turns out that this is a free, "help yourself" fridge that only 1Z appears to know about. 1Z helps herself to some stuff and then I go over to the vending machine / fridge, open the door and inside are shelves upon shelves of different types of cheese. The rest of the dream is occupied by me examining the cheese.

(Lambpie, I'm afraid you played no meaningful role in this dream apart from just being there.)

********WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?********

answers below please.

Lambpieitis

Dark Chickens has been infected


Yes, it's true. Last year I was a normal guy who went about his business in a normal manner, but since spending time with Mr Lambpie I have developed the urge to click my fingers, tap my pocket and slap my clench fist whilst walking.

Confused and concerned by my latest behaviour I sought to find the source of the problem and yesterday whilst walking back from lunch there it was. Mr Lambpie was clicking, tapping and slapping as he merrily walked along.

I urge you not to spend too much time with this man otherwise you may also catch this infectious habit. I fear that it may already be too late for JDubya who's started to exhibit the early signs. (Chaotic clicking and slapping, he has no sense of rhythm)

As I'm now in the advanced stages I am hoping that a three week quarantine period will rid me of this embarrassment and I will be free to walk gracefully once again.

You have been warned.

DC

The Grey Cardigan has confirmed that he is not infected.  This outbreak is not a direct result of the very recent Sir Lady HF day.

Sir Lady H F Day AGM - 21/6/2011

We are delighted to announce...

Details of this year's LHFD AGM.

Where: The Prince of Wales, Drury Lane, Covent Garden. LONDON, England.
When: 21/6/2011, from 18:00
Dress: Stripey blazer and optional boater
Dancing to: The Bex Pistols


http://www.pub-explorer.com/gtlondon/pub/princeofwalescoventgarden.htm

Introducing the FFFC

The squalid truth about the FFFC

The FFFC is the five foot four club and is open to any wigster who has a height of five feet and four inches.

Contrary to popular belief, there is no metric equivalent.  The FFFC are all measured in imperial units.

The FFFC welcomes new members and even offers those who aspire to be five foot four an associate membership.  However, when we interviewed their chairman, we discovered a darker story of animosity towards the rival five foot five club who claim to have the same name.

As a response to their competitors, the FFFC have banned anyone who is a member of the FFFC from being a member of the organisation.  Inevitably, the FFFC have retaliated by preventing members of the FFFC from joining them too.

An independent observer said "it's hard to tell the difference between the clubs as there is only an inch or two in it".

The four foot five club which was recently acquired by the four foot four club declined to comment.

No Neck Club

Nothing to do with pirates


Above: Somebody or other with no neck

THE NO NECK CLUB
From Wiggipedia, the free no nonsense informer

Founded: 1792
Origin: Bexley, South London (via Paris, France)

1st rule of the 'No Neck Club' - You do not talk about the No Neck Club. Err, no hang on that's something else. Try again, 1st rule of the 'No Neck Club' - You don't choose No Neck Club. IT chooses YOU! 2nd rule of 'No Neck Club'...by default.... No Necking...

"Un club pour des personnes sans cous" was formed during the French Revolution in 1792, around the 1st Tuesday in May some time after Croissants and Cafe Creme, by a group of French Aristocrats who found they were unable to put their necks on the line due... mainly to the fact that they didn't have any to put on it. Frustrated revolutionaries, unable to drag them to the guillotine spared the group and exiled them to the south London borough of Bexley.

Members of the group were famed for their notoriously glossy, dandruff free hair. This of course was because they never went anywhere without their Head and Shoulders.

For over two centuries, the group thrived, and these days you will be likely to see members of the NNC in all walks of life (as per picture above).

As recently as 2007 there were still descendants of the founders running the NNC in Bexleyheath at the former Woolwich Building Society 'Head' Quarters.

Most Recent known Members:
Cholera Sou
A Latrines
Heathens Penning
Merman Mango

The Blower Lower Report

Please do not take out of context

Taken out of context, these words mean very little. But, to me, last night, they were vital as I performed an annual event that will give joy to many

"A thorough, slow, unforced straining is essential"

What was I up to? And what does the advice mean?

Top row words

Words that can be spelt using only the top alpha row of the keyboard

This was a team effort in which no less than four wigsters worked together for three days.  You will agree it was worth the wait.


it
row
poo
port
poor
to
toe
tow
quote
rip
trip
yew
pot
power
quite
queer
peep
weep
pew
tip
tier
put
tie
petty
pert
up
upperty
pretty
yeti
top
queue
tote
potty
You
qwerty
Typewriter
wig

The Facebook Challenge

A Game for two or more players

Preparation
Each player needs a facebook account and creates a further four facebook accounts under the same name.  Each account must be the players real name.  You will need five email addresses and two dice.

Objective
Using your main account, make friends with five people with the same name as one of your opponents.

Game play
Roll the dice.  If you get any number other than a double six (known as a double spoon) you can use your computer today. Logon to Facebook and invite someone with the same name as your opponent to be your friend.  This will usually be a random stranger.  You can only issue one friend request per day.

Winning
The winner is the person who gets five friends with the same name first.

The other rule
if your opponent invites one of your duplicate identities you must accept the friendship, but you can de-friend when your opponent has four friends with the same name.

Warning
This is a long game. JDubya and the Brigadier have been playing for 4 years and there is still no winner, just a lot of confused strangers.

OoO Reply Squad

Be careful with your Out of Office.  The Reply Squad is ever vigilant.

-----Original Message-----
From: Chickens, Dark
Sent: 29 September 09:25
To: Officer LambPie
Subject: Out of Office AutoReply


Thank you for your email. I am working in London on Thursday 29th September, my email will not be monitored.

Please direct any urgent enquiries to Yvette Brudge.

Regards,

Dark.


LWA

To maintain public order, the OoO reply squad promptly issued the following notice.

OFFICER IN CHARGE

Out Of Office Reply Police

OoO Police Station

Pillar 129

1^st Floor Admin Building

Notice Of Intended Prosecution - Dark Chickens

In accordance with Section 6.9f (Revised) of the 'Out of Office Reply Act of 1666', notice is hereby given of intention to prosecute for the offence detailed below:

Lack of balls.

The arresting officier's notes are included below to justify this charge:

It was approximately 9:30 in the morning, the weather was fine and I was seated at my desk in the Admin building.  I had reasonable suspicion that a Mr Chickens was out of the office and decided to conduct a random stop and search email. The fact that he is ginger is purely conincidental and in no way influcenced my decision to victimise, err, I mean investigate him.  Apon sending this email I found that the out of office reply received back clearly contains a reference to "Lilly White Ar$e", however this is in abbrievated form as the accussed was too scared to include it in full.  I therefore decided to charge him with the offence listed above.

Banged to rights.