You for coffee?
A bunch of scientists in white coats today announced to the Wiggy Wigster community and some others insignificant people, that the secret to staying young is the use of coffee!
"There's magic in those beans" one scientist announced to the crowd at the Annual Report of Scientific Experiments.
The announcement generated so much excited whooping that the entire neighbouring conference, the Annual Notification of Undiscovered Science, burst in to the room and the insisted that the announcement had to be repeated. This resulted in even more louder whooping, which in turn was heard by the British Association of Plastic Surgeons, who then insisted the re-announcement be re-re-announced. They didn’t believe a word of though and retired back to their conference facilities to compare pre and post nose job pictures.
Despite this set back, the majority of listeners where excited by the news that the smearing of processed coffee or caffeine on to the skin was found to reverse the signs of ageing within 3 months. The study involved a number of smokers sporting cappuccino moustaches in public with the aim to reverse the "cat's bum smoking" mouth look from which so many smokers suffer from.
Scientists are looking for keen volunteers to take part in further tests. You may see them out and about on your daily duties.
Thursday, 7 July 2011
Introducing Happy Dog
Not sure why though
This is happy dog.
This is happy dog.
- He doesn't say much
- He does not wear a wig, unlike BigBoyBertie of worldwidewig fame
- To be quite honest we don't really know why he is here
- But he certainly looks happy about it
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
Delayed reaction
Isn't it obvious?
You may recall that in July 2007 we told you the story of PP and his magic black cap.
A storm of protest has broken out because no-one has seen the cap.
---------------------
Dear Wigsters,
I have not seen a magic black cap and I am starting to believe that the whole story was made up.
Please clarify.
---------------------
Dear Non-Wigster
Get yourself to worldwidewig.co.uk and get wigging. Meanwhile we can answer your question.
The magical cap has been worn every day for at least a month, but is invisible. We know it's there because PP isn't shivering.
---------------------
Dear Wigsters
OK, ok...I'm now prepared to accept that the hat is invisible... I'm even prepared to accept that PP is wearing it right now, but there is one thing that still bothers me. Say that PP is metaphorically walking along the high street minding his own business as he takes in the sights and smells of the local town, when all of a sudden, whoosh, his hat is blown clean off your head by a local gust. Now an ordinary hat would have a tendency to be found, but an invisible one does lend itself rather well to indefinite camouflage. How would the cap be found? Does he also have an invisible chin strap to prevent such a situation? Does the hat emit a high pitched noise to enable it reclamation? Does PP have a cap homing device?
You may recall that in July 2007 we told you the story of PP and his magic black cap.
A storm of protest has broken out because no-one has seen the cap.
---------------------
Dear Wigsters,
I have not seen a magic black cap and I am starting to believe that the whole story was made up.
Please clarify.
---------------------
Dear Non-Wigster
Get yourself to worldwidewig.co.uk and get wigging. Meanwhile we can answer your question.
The magical cap has been worn every day for at least a month, but is invisible. We know it's there because PP isn't shivering.
---------------------
Dear Wigsters
OK, ok...I'm now prepared to accept that the hat is invisible... I'm even prepared to accept that PP is wearing it right now, but there is one thing that still bothers me. Say that PP is metaphorically walking along the high street minding his own business as he takes in the sights and smells of the local town, when all of a sudden, whoosh, his hat is blown clean off your head by a local gust. Now an ordinary hat would have a tendency to be found, but an invisible one does lend itself rather well to indefinite camouflage. How would the cap be found? Does he also have an invisible chin strap to prevent such a situation? Does the hat emit a high pitched noise to enable it reclamation? Does PP have a cap homing device?
--------------------
Dear Non-Wigster
You are correct. Also, PP's ferret lives in the hat so this has never happened. We hope that clears it up.
A comic genius in our midst
Norbert-D humour at its best
He writes...
Another example of my much under-rated brand of humour:
My son's child minder is German and called Pia (pronounced peer, or pier) - I was discussing the way our appraisal system works here and yes, you've guessed it, I suggested we give her a 'Pia appraisal' - and she laughed! Actually, she's quite cute.
You saw me first here folks, remember that when I'm doing my Christmas special in 2012
He writes...
Another example of my much under-rated brand of humour:
My son's child minder is German and called Pia (pronounced peer, or pier) - I was discussing the way our appraisal system works here and yes, you've guessed it, I suggested we give her a 'Pia appraisal' - and she laughed! Actually, she's quite cute.
You saw me first here folks, remember that when I'm doing my Christmas special in 2012
Ed - More like Christmas lunch in the Little Chef!
An Idiots Guide to Banking
Available in all good bookshops sooner or later
Introduction - Using this Guide
You won't wish to declare publicly that you are an idiot so never read this guide while using banking facilities. If you must refer to instructions contained herein, read out the relevant section into your mobile phone answering service beforehand and retrieve your messages when in the banking hall.
For help in using your mobile phone answering service purchase a copy of "An Idiot's guide to using a mobile phone answering service" by Dr Blower Lower and Norbert-D
Chapter 1 - Getting through the door
You have two choices when trying to get into the bank. You can wait for someone else to open the door, or you can open it yourself.
Tip - Wait for the bank to open
If the door is already open, progress to Chapter 2
Chapter 2 - Walk into the bank and look confident
Smile, look around you.
Tip - Don't clench your teeth, try not to stare wildly.
Walk forward through the door. Do not attempt to walk backwards, as people might think you are leaving.
Chapter 3 - Oops
You are in the wrong bank.
Tip - Pretend that you intended to be here
Collect one of each leaflet and then leave.
Chapter 4: Clothing
Tip - Whatever you do don't point with your hands in your pockets.
Chapter 5 - Queue etiquette
Oh, I forgot, you probably don'y know what etiquette means.
Tip - Ignore this chapter and move to the next one
Chapter 6 - What to do while you are in the queue (Part 1)
You cannot choose a cashier based on whether they seem attractive.
Tip - They are all out of your league, even the ugly one on the end.
Pick a number at random and wait for it to be called.
Chapter 7 - What to do while you are in the queue (Part 2)
Ignore other customers, especially when they point to a waiting cashier.
Tip - Remember, you chose a number and you must stick to it.
Chapter 8 - What to do while you are in the queue (Part 3)
Don't let anybody standing behind you push in front.
Tip - It's your turn next. Nothing else matters.
Keep waiting, not much longer now.
Chapter 9 - What to do while you are in the queue (Part 4)
If your number is called and you are not at the front of the queue you can go first.
Tip - Pensioners are easy, just push them aside.
Remember to shout your number out and then say "Thank you, my voices"
Chapter 10 - At the cashiers window
Mmm, quite attractive.
Tip - Maybe not out of your league after all.
Skip the money talk and offer dinner.
Chapter 11 - Using the right words
Ask the cashier if you can be his/her finance.
Tip - Finance is an old fashioned word for betrothal (being engaged).
If the cashier looks puzzled it's probably because he/she is not used to being complimented in this way.
Chapter 12 - Understanding the response
If you are asked "Do you have an account here?" it means "Yes, I'd love to"
Tip - This is similar to "Is the pope a catholic?"
Just smile back, no answer is necessary.
Introduction - Using this Guide
You won't wish to declare publicly that you are an idiot so never read this guide while using banking facilities. If you must refer to instructions contained herein, read out the relevant section into your mobile phone answering service beforehand and retrieve your messages when in the banking hall.
For help in using your mobile phone answering service purchase a copy of "An Idiot's guide to using a mobile phone answering service" by Dr Blower Lower and Norbert-D
Chapter 1 - Getting through the door
You have two choices when trying to get into the bank. You can wait for someone else to open the door, or you can open it yourself.
Tip - Wait for the bank to open
If the door is already open, progress to Chapter 2
Chapter 2 - Walk into the bank and look confident
Smile, look around you.
Tip - Don't clench your teeth, try not to stare wildly.
Walk forward through the door. Do not attempt to walk backwards, as people might think you are leaving.
Chapter 3 - Oops
You are in the wrong bank.
Tip - Pretend that you intended to be here
Collect one of each leaflet and then leave.
Chapter 4: Clothing
Tip - Whatever you do don't point with your hands in your pockets.
Chapter 5 - Queue etiquette
Oh, I forgot, you probably don'y know what etiquette means.
Tip - Ignore this chapter and move to the next one
Chapter 6 - What to do while you are in the queue (Part 1)
You cannot choose a cashier based on whether they seem attractive.
Tip - They are all out of your league, even the ugly one on the end.
Pick a number at random and wait for it to be called.
Chapter 7 - What to do while you are in the queue (Part 2)
Ignore other customers, especially when they point to a waiting cashier.
Tip - Remember, you chose a number and you must stick to it.
Chapter 8 - What to do while you are in the queue (Part 3)
Don't let anybody standing behind you push in front.
Tip - It's your turn next. Nothing else matters.
Keep waiting, not much longer now.
Chapter 9 - What to do while you are in the queue (Part 4)
If your number is called and you are not at the front of the queue you can go first.
Tip - Pensioners are easy, just push them aside.
Remember to shout your number out and then say "Thank you, my voices"
Chapter 10 - At the cashiers window
Mmm, quite attractive.
Tip - Maybe not out of your league after all.
Skip the money talk and offer dinner.
Chapter 11 - Using the right words
Ask the cashier if you can be his/her finance.
Tip - Finance is an old fashioned word for betrothal (being engaged).
If the cashier looks puzzled it's probably because he/she is not used to being complimented in this way.
Chapter 12 - Understanding the response
If you are asked "Do you have an account here?" it means "Yes, I'd love to"
Tip - This is similar to "Is the pope a catholic?"
Just smile back, no answer is necessary.
Chapter 13 - Take the free pen from the counter
That's what they are there for.
That's what they are there for.
Tabloid Journalism
Hold the back page
Norbert-D is trying to come up with tabloid sporting headlines before they are written. Maybe you can do better.
Here's what we have got so far
Match 1: England struggle against Paraguay in the heat of Frankfurt and are beaten.
Headline: Frankfurter Roasting
Match 2: Togo reach the semi final
Headline: Togo To Go Through
Match 3: Horror show against Germany
Headline: Oh! De Cologne
Norbert-D is trying to come up with tabloid sporting headlines before they are written. Maybe you can do better.
Here's what we have got so far
Match 1: England struggle against Paraguay in the heat of Frankfurt and are beaten.
Headline: Frankfurter Roasting
Match 2: Togo reach the semi final
Headline: Togo To Go Through
Match 3: Horror show against Germany
Headline: Oh! De Cologne
Match 4: German players in tennis final
Headline: The Nuremburg Rally
Match Story : Previously unknown player Dark Chickens joins the Togo team for the semi final
Headline : Wig me up before you Togo
Diary of The Grey Cardigan
A half day in the life of The Grey Cardigan
10:00 am
The Grey Cardigan entered the office with his grey cardigan hugging his shoulder in a continental manner, he knew it was an arrogant look but it set off the yellow Fred Perry nicely. His long ginger hair had been tied back with the aid of a scrunchy and two bangles hung either side to frame his face. In his mouth was a shiny black cigarette holder without a cigarette.
"How do you do dear fellow" Grey said to acknowledge his colleague as he passed his desk. "Do you know that its rather splendid outside today, rather splendid indeed old boy"
The rest of his co-workers were not surprised by his mid day arrival, he had become known for his lack of ability to roll up his sleeves and get on with the job in hand.
"One went for a spot of tea in London this morning, most refreshing, most re-fresh-en-ing" Grey continued. By the time of his arrive his colleagues had already undone all of the mistakes he had committed yesterday and somehow caught up with their own work. Grey was a waster, but sleeping with the boss was doing wonders for his career and his previous role as an adult movie star was paying dividends. He had recently celebrated his promotion to an F grade with a case of champagne, which his colleagues had readily devoured despite the companies ban on alcohol and despite their feelings towards him.
As he sat back at his desk he raised his feet and crossed them as he rested them on his teak finished surface, a non-standard desk flown in from Indonesia especially for him. "One just adores, no loves the oil finish of teak." he would be heard to say whenever anyone questioned the £2000 extravagance, let alone the £500 annual oiling expense.
It became mid afternoon, Grey woke from his nap and on his desk was a white envelope, casually pasted in the top right hand corner was a stamp and the envelope had been hand written. Grey picked up his antique letter opener and began to open the letter, a profusion of lemon verbena erupted underneath his nose as he read the immortal words "Dear Grey"
One glimpse of the spidery handwriting was enough to trigger an astonishing reaction within TGC.
He felt like he'd had the wind literally knocked out of him. He described the feeling as being 'Hit for six' in his autobiography written 20 years later. Incidentally 'Hit for Six' was turned into a BAFTA award winning BBC drama starring Daniel Radcliffe.
TGC fumbled the letter back into the Manila envelope. Coincidentally, the letter had come from Manila, a place TGC had thought he would never have to think of again. The business had been "taken care of", it was 'done and dusted guvnor' That's what 'they' had told him.
His heart skipped a beat and his brain sent a text to his bowels warning them to prepare for imminent overtime.
Long since forgotten feelings of dread and guilt returned to haunt him. He felt sick to the core.
After throwing up all over the teak desk, TGC shakily pressed the intercom and summoned his camp but efficient secretary Nigel Lemons. Lemons immediately entered the office and for a brief moment looked shocked and stunned as he observed the pile of spew on the once pristine desk in front of him. The smell of sour milk lay heavy in the air, but Lemons, with his large flared nostrils twitching with unease, simply acted as if this sort of thing was an every day occurrence and carried on.
"Did Sir require anything?"
"Lemons, I need you to get in touch with Paulo Cardosioni. Tell him to meet me at the usual place tomorrow morning at 11:00 a.m. Tell him a life depends on it"
Lemons, pencil in hand, scribbled the instructions onto an A5 notepad and then repeated them back in his camp nasal twang. "Paulo Cardosioni, 11:00 a.m usual place. Straight away Sir'
Lemons shuffled out the room, efficiently of course. He alone knew that in TGC's third draw down was a collection of empty coke cans, and in the fourth draw a loaded gun. Lemons was wearing no pants and had eaten a bowl of Kellogg's Common sense for breakfast. Although interesting it has nothing to do with the plot.
11:10am
"Behold!" shouted a street vendor, "thou hast ne’er seen such a bargain as this, indeed I bring forth a deal of legend! Legend told behind closed doors, past down from generation to generation. Draw nearer least you miss a word, draw closer still..."
Grey watched the street vendor weave his magic sitting outside Cafe Nero drinking a cafe latte, he only needed two more stamps before he got a free one. He was quite chuffed about that. He looked up and down the street for the hundredth time watching out for Paulo, looked at this watch again and sighed. Paulo was late, but then he was always late for this sort of meeting. Grey would much rather get things over with sooner rather than later. He looked over again at the street vendor which had managed to amass quite the crowd.
"Do not fear fair people, soon I will unleash this sale of the century upon you. Some of you my need to sit down for I do ponder the very shock of realisation may send you flying from your feet! I feel the time is upon us one and all, prepare yourself." The street vendor opened his bag, "five lighters for a pound! Get five lighters for a pound!"
The crowd quickly dispersed.
10:00 am
The Grey Cardigan entered the office with his grey cardigan hugging his shoulder in a continental manner, he knew it was an arrogant look but it set off the yellow Fred Perry nicely. His long ginger hair had been tied back with the aid of a scrunchy and two bangles hung either side to frame his face. In his mouth was a shiny black cigarette holder without a cigarette.
"How do you do dear fellow" Grey said to acknowledge his colleague as he passed his desk. "Do you know that its rather splendid outside today, rather splendid indeed old boy"
The rest of his co-workers were not surprised by his mid day arrival, he had become known for his lack of ability to roll up his sleeves and get on with the job in hand.
"One went for a spot of tea in London this morning, most refreshing, most re-fresh-en-ing" Grey continued. By the time of his arrive his colleagues had already undone all of the mistakes he had committed yesterday and somehow caught up with their own work. Grey was a waster, but sleeping with the boss was doing wonders for his career and his previous role as an adult movie star was paying dividends. He had recently celebrated his promotion to an F grade with a case of champagne, which his colleagues had readily devoured despite the companies ban on alcohol and despite their feelings towards him.
As he sat back at his desk he raised his feet and crossed them as he rested them on his teak finished surface, a non-standard desk flown in from Indonesia especially for him. "One just adores, no loves the oil finish of teak." he would be heard to say whenever anyone questioned the £2000 extravagance, let alone the £500 annual oiling expense.
It became mid afternoon, Grey woke from his nap and on his desk was a white envelope, casually pasted in the top right hand corner was a stamp and the envelope had been hand written. Grey picked up his antique letter opener and began to open the letter, a profusion of lemon verbena erupted underneath his nose as he read the immortal words "Dear Grey"
One glimpse of the spidery handwriting was enough to trigger an astonishing reaction within TGC.
He felt like he'd had the wind literally knocked out of him. He described the feeling as being 'Hit for six' in his autobiography written 20 years later. Incidentally 'Hit for Six' was turned into a BAFTA award winning BBC drama starring Daniel Radcliffe.
TGC fumbled the letter back into the Manila envelope. Coincidentally, the letter had come from Manila, a place TGC had thought he would never have to think of again. The business had been "taken care of", it was 'done and dusted guvnor' That's what 'they' had told him.
His heart skipped a beat and his brain sent a text to his bowels warning them to prepare for imminent overtime.
Long since forgotten feelings of dread and guilt returned to haunt him. He felt sick to the core.
After throwing up all over the teak desk, TGC shakily pressed the intercom and summoned his camp but efficient secretary Nigel Lemons. Lemons immediately entered the office and for a brief moment looked shocked and stunned as he observed the pile of spew on the once pristine desk in front of him. The smell of sour milk lay heavy in the air, but Lemons, with his large flared nostrils twitching with unease, simply acted as if this sort of thing was an every day occurrence and carried on.
"Did Sir require anything?"
"Lemons, I need you to get in touch with Paulo Cardosioni. Tell him to meet me at the usual place tomorrow morning at 11:00 a.m. Tell him a life depends on it"
Lemons, pencil in hand, scribbled the instructions onto an A5 notepad and then repeated them back in his camp nasal twang. "Paulo Cardosioni, 11:00 a.m usual place. Straight away Sir'
Lemons shuffled out the room, efficiently of course. He alone knew that in TGC's third draw down was a collection of empty coke cans, and in the fourth draw a loaded gun. Lemons was wearing no pants and had eaten a bowl of Kellogg's Common sense for breakfast. Although interesting it has nothing to do with the plot.
11:10am
"Behold!" shouted a street vendor, "thou hast ne’er seen such a bargain as this, indeed I bring forth a deal of legend! Legend told behind closed doors, past down from generation to generation. Draw nearer least you miss a word, draw closer still..."
Grey watched the street vendor weave his magic sitting outside Cafe Nero drinking a cafe latte, he only needed two more stamps before he got a free one. He was quite chuffed about that. He looked up and down the street for the hundredth time watching out for Paulo, looked at this watch again and sighed. Paulo was late, but then he was always late for this sort of meeting. Grey would much rather get things over with sooner rather than later. He looked over again at the street vendor which had managed to amass quite the crowd.
"Do not fear fair people, soon I will unleash this sale of the century upon you. Some of you my need to sit down for I do ponder the very shock of realisation may send you flying from your feet! I feel the time is upon us one and all, prepare yourself." The street vendor opened his bag, "five lighters for a pound! Get five lighters for a pound!"
The crowd quickly dispersed.
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