Water Hero

Here's a sport that anyone with a water cooler can try without leaving their comfortable work environment.

Our commentators today are Brad and Dave.

Full commentary now available...

COM1: "and here we are at the international indoor water vessel lifting competition... first up is Senthil Shanmugan, a newcomer to the sport but one with a promising potential. What do you know about this chap Dave?"

COM2: "Not a lot apart from he's got an impressive moustache"

COM1: "Yes, must take some looking after. Looks like he's making the first move"

COM1: "oh, well he's dispensed with the empty bottle nicely there Dave."

COM2: "Yes, nice lift, nice technique"

COM1: "Now what about the empty bottle drop..."

COM1: "He's a wise man Dave"

COM2: "Yes, going with the traditional placement on the nearest desk. Nice work"

COM1: "He may be new to this event but he's done his homework."

COM1: "Here we go Dave, full bottle lift from top of the rack"

COM1: "Anything to lessen the load I guess Dave"

COM2 : "Well it's a different approach, but lets see what he can do"

COM1: "That's the first bit done"

COM1: "That's a nice lift from the little man. Next up we have Dark Chickens!"

COM1: You know Brad, there's a lot of misconceptions about this sport. It's not just how well you lift, it's the style in which you lift that's important

COM2: Couldn't agree more Brad. No good just lifting the thing, you need to have some panache. And next up is one of the sport's greatest showmen. A real crowd pleaser.

COM1: Yes Brad, next up is the legend they call the Ginger Britney Spears. Look at his approach...it's sublime......

COM2: You are so right Brad. He soft shoe shuffles towards the Aqua 2000 and extends an arm out to clasp the handle of the 8 Gallon Sidcup Spa Water Bottle. (Adopts David Attenborough whisper to add to tension) There's a brief moment of silence now as he surveys the job in hand. And there it is! (Audience gasps and applauds) - in a swift stabbing movement he has removed the bottle and placed it within the Health and Safety recommended zone...!

COM1: That will be extra points for that H & S play Brad, he's piling the pressure on the pocket dynamo Shanmugan (camera pans to Senthil offstage, sweat is pouring from his brow as he watches his gold medal disappearing) And now for the replacement move. The crowd has gone silent. He has ten seconds to pick up the bottle and put it back - he's bending his knees like Charlie Chaplin, he's engaged, the bottle is up and he's rotating it 180 degrees. It's text book stuff! And now for the last stage, the delivery onto the spool. There's only 4 seconds left....

Voice from audience : Looser!

COM2: He's dropped it! He's dropped it! Unbelievable! A heckler from the audience has sledged him! (close up of the pocket dynamo leaping in the air as if he's on a trampoline)

Mind labeling

Dark Chickens writes...

You may or may not be aware that over the last two weeks I have been experimenting with one of the latest aggression control techniques called mind labeling. Mind labeling is a technique of labeling an individual with the first phrase that comes to mind. The approach is intended to help remove aggression by pre-conditioning the mind to automatically reveal internal beliefs about an individual and therefore relieve any pre-installed aggression.

I must admit that I have started smiling when I see an irritating colleague, not because I like him but simply because every time I see him a little voice pops into my head and automatically says "WAC". I can't tell you what this means, because it is very rude.

I would be the first to admit that two weeks is insufficient time to prove the success of such a system and the potential long term dangers of mouthing or verbally emitting the "mind label tag" could still occur. However, in order to advance science I encourage you all to start your own trial - I'm sure like me you'll find it mentally refreshing.

Try to think of a mind label for me right now.

***** Showers

April and Jessica go into a sweetie shop, April buys 15 penny sweets and a curly wurly. Jessica buys 3 curly wurly's and 8 penny sweets. If Curly Wurly's are 6p each and on 3 for 2 - who has spent more?

What month is the Grand National in?

Which month does the UK tax year end & start?

There is a day when people traditionally play a practical joke on each other and newspapers print practical joke stories - what month is that in?

Environmental Policy 34A

Company Memo
It's good to know that some companies are taking note of a new initiative to save the planet.
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/04/23/crow_masterplan/

This note is for all individuals who "volunteered" to take part in Environmental Policy 34A.

Following our recent environment engagement communications, this note is a reminder of the key actions required of you before the end of April and ongoing.

We recently agreed, on your behalf, that from 1st April 2007 all of our slaves, err I mean staff would take part in a environmental pilot. As part of this pilot you agreed, via us telling you to do so, to be limited to one sheet of toilet paper per visit loo visit. Whilst we initially envisaged this as an optional objective, it has been brought to our attention that engagement on this initiative has been low. The Company senior partners have been disappointed by this up take, especially since you were deliberately targeted due to your low morale and lack of company belonging. We have therefore decide to reinvigorate this policy by making it mandatory.

Going forward it has been agreed that all individuals prior to using any emissions facility will report to their local coordinator to receive their allocated sheet of toilet paper. The local reps have been chosen randomly, but have all enthusiastically agreed to their new responsibilities. You will later receive an email informing you of your individual local rep. For Management Information only, information regarding an individuals usage will be monitored but will not be used against you in your appraisal.

Please note single sheets are reserved for cubicle only visits and gentlemen will be unable to save up collections from urinal visits. It is considered a disciplinary offence for any individual to save or sell sheets.

Please contact your local rep if you have any further questions.

Regards,

The evil bustard of the east wing.

"Together we can heal the world"

The LambPie Report

Squeaky Shoes

I have squeaky shoes.
At first I thought it was my feet and that I was destined to be sniggered at whenever I walked past more silent footwear users.

Yesterday I looked up squeaky shoes on ask.com and the three possible solutions are:
1) baby powder
2) WD40
3) buy new shoes

So last night I decided to oil my shoes. I do not have any WD40 but I have found that it is possible to apply extra virgin olive oil to the inside of my shoes with a spray can.

Today, my shoes did not squeak until lunchtime. I will try out baby powder next.

LambPie

Sainsbury's Training Manual

The cheese counter - Role Play 32

Cheese Counteress: "Good day sir"
Customer: "and a good day to you madam, may I have a recommendation for a cheese which is particularly good when consumed alongside a Damson wine." *
Cheese Counteress: <>
Customer: "I'll just have some cheddar then please." **

*Wigster NorbertD has produced a small quantity of Damson wine which is being marketed under the Lower Heights label.
**Cheddar cheese is available from most leading supermarkets, including Sainsbury.

Earth sieving

An unusual hobby
Dark Chickens found this hobby in 1984 after the construction of a pond had left a huge pile of soil (or spoil as we sievers like to call it).

If you are new to Earth Sieving, let me explain. It's like panning for gold, but there is no gold. Only rocks.

One thing led to another and before he knew it, DC had sieved his way through 2 tonnes of soil and divided the spoil into lovely fresh top soil and a big pile of stones. It was at that point that he discovered his second favourite hobby, burying stones under his parents neighbours lawn.

He would creep out in the middle of the night adorned in a stealth like camouflaged outfit of black trousers, black rollneck, black gloves and a dark navy blue balaclava which looked black in poor light.

He would set about digging fresh holes and exchanging the sievable soil with a bucket of stones. He was careful, mind you, and always ensured the turf was correctly and professionally re-laid. After some time he'd buried all of those stones under his parents neighbours lawn and was left with just top soil. It was at that point that his hobby ended.

Dark tried for a while to sieve the top soil with a finer sieve, but it never gave the same buzz.

Despite his loss he soon discovered a new hobby which for legal reasons I cannot reveal but can communicate to you through a telepathic medium.

(I'm thinking about wigs. Is that it? - Editor)