JDD and Interview Hockey

In an ideal world, when you are popping out for a quick bite of breakfast and a pick me up infused beverage with your chums at work, you don't want to bump into the boss in the rotating door of the office.

The 'JDD' game was born. You can substitute JD with your own boss's initials and play along.

In JD Dodgeball you get a point if you can get to the canteen without being spotted by JD.

Points accumulate until you are caught.  At that point you can choose to lose all your points or accept a P45.

Needless to say, Dark Chickens will always have the high score due to his tactics of using a back door and skipping between concealing objects such as lamp posts and drain covers which render the user invisible as long as he avoids standing on the straight lines.

There is a new variant of the game called interview hockey.  For this game you will need:

A dress down day

Jobserve

A new suit

To play, wear your best suit on dress down day in the office.  You get a point for every person who asks if you have an interview.  Easy, but here's the catch.  You also have to arrange for real interviews.  If someone notices the suit on a real interview day you lose a point.

If you turn up for the interview and find your boss is visiting the same company, perhaps sitting in reception sipping a cup of tea, you lose all your points, even if she looks surprised to see you.

Accidently meeting your current boss at a new company is not the best start to an interview and we recommend that to keep your high score you go disguised as Wiggy.

Wiggy Launches his First Ever Phone App...

…and he ain't 'alf 'appy

Without the need for an flamboyant introduction with dancing girls, shooting canons, a barking dog, a juggling racoon and a neon sign that reads "Wahoo", Wiggy tried to announce the arrival of the first ever Wiggy Phone App at the pre-launch launch.

The following infrequently asked questions were raised infrequently by potential and yet infrequent app people (appees) at the App Conference for Interested Members

HOW MUCH DOES IT COST?
It's 100% FREE... 200% in fact...

YOU SAY IT'S FREE, BUT I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
Yes it really is FREE...

ARE YOU SURE IT'S FREE?
Yes, it costs you nothing, zippo, ziltch...
No small print exclusion or hidden agendas...
We're not even asking for a donation!

SO IT'S TOTALLY FREE?
Yes

EXCUSE ME, DO YOU KNOW A KEITH WHO LIVES IN SUNDERLAND?
No, but I know a Keith who lives in Birmingham. Try Him.

WHERE CAN I GET THIS "FREE" APP?
Please remove those quotations around FREE, it's genuinely free...

SORRY, WHERE CAN I GET THIS FREE APP?
That's better... It's already on your phone. We transferred it there using WTTP (Patent Pending) when you first switched on your phone.

BUT WHAT IF I DIDN'T WANT IT ON MY PHONE?
Well, you agreed to receive it by switching on your phone. It was your choice.

MY CHOICE?
Yes, your choice. Like you chose to receive your daily experiences by getting out of bed!

WHAT IS WTTP ANYWAY?
It's a new method for downloading Apps to phone - Wiggy patent pending

WHAT DOES WTTP STAND FOR?
Wiggy's Telepathic Transfer Protocol

EXCUSE ME, DO YOU KNOW A KEITH WHO LIVES IN BIRMINGHAM?
Yes, but I think he moved to Sunderland recently.

WHAT DOES THIS APP DO?
You're the first person to ask this... have a free pen.

THANKS, BUT YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION... WHAT DOES THIS APP DO?
Sorry that's already been asked, I'm afraid you can't have a pen.

NO REALLY WHAT DOES IT DO?
Oh, sorry madam I didn't recognise you with your beard on.
Well the app seamlessly blends in to your phone... almost camouflaged you could say.
Yet it affects all apps and functions you currently have on your phone.

MMM…THAT SOUNDS INTERESTING.
Yes, the amazing thing about this app is that you've always had it there. The difference is now that Wiggy wants to make you aware of it.

OK...HOW COME I HAVEN'T NOTICED IT?
Well you wouldn’t notice it, it's just other people who notice it whilst you utilise your phone. You see the app we developed transforms you from a normal considerate human being, into a dawdling idiot whilst you use your phone in the public arena.
It’s of particular effectiveness in thin footpaths or crowded rush hour railway platforms.
It means that whilst using your phone, you will walk slowly, zig zag and genuinely get in everybody’s way - unless of course they too are using the same app.

THIS SOUNDS DREADFUL...I DON'T WANT THIS. HOW DO I REMOVE THIS APP?
Speak to Keith… He lives in Sunderland.

A Little Gnome Fact

but there's no book!

There are no Gnomes listed in the Sunday Times Rich List, in fact Gnomes are some of the poorest members of our planet. Earning less than 50p a year.

Extreme Corner

A little known fact

An extreme corner is one that usually goes by un-noticed.  It is often so extremely slight that it appears to be a straight line. Other types of extreme corner turn the traveller through very nearly 360 degrees and spew them out into almost the same direction as they started.  Many people are unaware of the rotational aspect and claim to be walking directly towards their goal.

This topic is fully covered in the newly published book "The unwritten guide to Sat Nav"

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/the-unwritten-guide-to-sat-nav/10945529

A modern Mills and Boon

New Romantic Novels

It is the opinion of a certain wigster that most romantic novels are tripe and need updating to reflect modern romances, he suggests the following:

The Shrapnel Affair - Shrapnel is a 13 years girl who falls for the ways of a birberry baseball cap wearing lad, 3 months later she's pregnant, single and on an ASBO.  He joins the forces but never gets posted overseas.  In a final bizarre twist a grenade goes off in the barracks and he narrowly misses getting injured by shrapnel.

The love triangle - Kanetta is a 21 year old woman who has previously met her dream man on two occasions and mothered their children. She's now living in a high-rise council flat, dumped again and trying to beat a drum and bass addiction. Then she meets an Sunderland man who prefers house and garage.  Together they try to find a percussive instrument in common but never find it.  They settle on a tambourine but are never quite content.

You're only human - Brucetta is an Italian masterpiece, all the men adore her and she has any man she wants. Then she meets a man that shows no interest in her and she becomes obsessed... laughing at his jokes, flicking back her hair and wearing even shorter skirts. She eventually finds out he's gay, blind and deaf.

The lady in the lake - Spearmint is a 37 year old female who used to be a male. She longs for a relationship but no guy is interested because of the beard. Tragically she continues to spend more than she earns in the lakeside shopping centre.

The ugly ducking - Invigorance is a lady who has been hit with the ugly stick, every night she puts on her lippy and prowls the streets only to return home alone. A heart warming story of survival in a male dominated society which values form over substance.  She never turns into a swan.

Withering Heights - A very tall man suffers the indignity of shrinking to normal size.  He is featured on a channel 4 documentary about strange medical cases and briefly attracts the wrong sort of attention from the tabloid media.

OCD or just ODD?

My peculiar sweet eating technique

Whenever I find myself in possession of a bag or tube of sweets, if they come in multiple colours then I have an uncontrollable urge to sort them by the colours of the rainbow. That's the "red and yellow and pink and green, orange and purple and blue..." rainbow song rather than the "Richard of York gave battle in vain" scientific colours.

Not only do I have to sort by colour, but I then also have to eat them in that order too. Any non "rainbow" coloured sweets are eaten on mass at the end.

I've done this for as long as I can remember, but only with sweets. As odd as this may sound, my condition has improved recently as I no longer insist anyone sharing the sweets with me also eats them in the correct colour sequence.

If anyone knows a cure, then please comment!

I don't blog

TGC does not blog

Unlike most other wigsters, I don't blog.  I find the whole idea of it disgusting.  Writing a load of bunkum in the vain hope someone will read it and think you're somehow some kind of super star.  A blogging super star?  Who are they kidding.

Good, I've got that out in the open and now we all know where we stand.